The Day My Vagina Had 3 Pairs of Hands In It

And not in a good way…

giphy hands

Yesterday was D-Day (or IUD day, har har). So of course I’m going to share every single detail of my experience with you, because I have no shame. Actually there is no shame involved when we look after ourselves, so buckle up because I’m about to get into the nitty and gritty of the whole insertion process!

giphy lube

Obviously I did my research online and was met with 90% horrendous reviews of how painful the insertion process is. How women have blacked out, cried, screamed and had constant cramps from the moment the T shaped sucker was put in until 6 months! Constant awful contraction style period cramps for 6 months?? What the actual fuck was I doing to myself??

giphy scared

Needless to say I was nervous as fuck. I ate a good breakfast and took 2 feminax express before going to the doctors. Now the doctor never told me to take these, I just read the reviews online and self medicated! I arrived on time with my mega fuck off box the the Jaydess came in. The size of the box did nothing to calm my nerves.

The nurse calls me in and is like a super old school lovely mammy. She asked me if I had any questions and everything, but since I had already looked up every fucking review on every IUD…. ever…. I was pretty informed, by Dr. Google.

giphy knowledge

THEN she proceeded to take out a valium tablet and 2 ponstan painkillers and told me to take them!!! I did not tell her I had already taken painkillers. I swiped those 3 little beauties and swallowed them as quickly I could! Then I had to wait half an hour for them to take effect.

giphy high

Valium is lovely. I had never taken it before but I can 100% see how you would get addicted to it. It was given to me to relax my muscles and that it did! Anyway she called me in and explained what was going to happen. I stripped off and hopped up onto the bed with a blanket covering my bits. Nurse comes back in, I’m still nervous as fuck but sure theres no turning back now! Then a knock on the door and a doctor came in, I was a bit surprised as I had thought the Mammy nurse was the one doing it. Anyway hey-ho, the more the merrier right?

giphy awkward

I should mention at this point the doctor laughed when she saw my face as she walked in and said “Its better to leave your dignity at the door for a while!” Oh the banter! I had a lol anyway and took her advise!

So there I was, legs wide open for business, nurse and doctor looking intently at my cervix with a fucking torch! Its was like they were going cave diving! The doctor inserted the speculum that opens out the vagina, same as having a smear test, when there was a quick knock ad the door opened again! Now my vagina is pointed directly at the door. It is legit the first thing you see when you walk in. I began laughing hysterically!

giphy open legs

It was another doctor. Grand. Just us 4 gals having a laugh about my vagina. Doctor 2 is the owner of the practice and is lovely, she was just supervising Doctor 1. So now the fun begins. It starts by my cervix getting sterilised. That was fine. THEN they had to measure my uterus by sticking something up there…. A ruler of ┬ásome sort? I don’t know, I was not looking! That was a bit sore. Then they inserted the Jaydess. Again, it was a bit sore. I was pulling a few faces because yeah it did hurt. But it wasn’t excruciating! Then the doctor trimmed the strings and it was all done! I doubt I was on the table 5 minutes. It was super quick. Throughout the whole process the doctor kept asking if I was ok…. I was like stop asking me and just get this over with! But it really wasn’t that bad at all! I hopped off the bed (which was a bit bloody….) and got dressed. The Doctor said that I don’t have to check the strings, because they will do all that jazz at my 6 week check up.

giphy fish IUD

Then the cramps came. Holy fuck. Its like the worst period cramps you can get. But it is a foreign object getting all up in your junk and your body is basically like ‘HELL NAH!” and tries (in painful vain) to get rid of it. The cramps lasted for a few hours, I bled that day. I can’t use tampons (whelp!) but the nurse said that my periods should stop soon so I shouldn’t need them! (However the internet contradicts this… only time will tell!)

giphy cramps

I stayed in bed the whole day with a hot water bottle purely out of sheer laziness and self pity. I could have done work, but I wouldn’t be happy about it.

giphy bc

Right at this moment in time I have my Jaydess in for over 28 hours. Today I have no bleeding, no cramps, nothing. I feel fine. In fact I feel better than fine because I will be baby free for 3 years!!! That is a weight off my mind. Yes I know there are exceptions, that women have become pregnant while having it in place. But the fact remains that is probably the most successful contraception, other than abstinence of course. It has such a low failure rate compared to every other contraception. I’ll try and find a few articles and put them below if you are interested.

giphy contraception

But yeah. It was grand. Nothing to get worked up over. Although I’m sure the valium helped me!

Peace out, bitches!

giphy bye felicia

New York Times Blog


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